called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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