I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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