My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
smell my finger.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
