I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
