Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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