apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize