I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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