this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
