just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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