I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
