Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
