I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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