My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
