tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize