apparently the secret to your success is patron
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
