Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
