Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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