thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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