ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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