i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
