They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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