my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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