Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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