Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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