Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
