Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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