nut hugger
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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