guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
