literally had 100 drinks last night.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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