omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
