I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
