the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
