i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
