Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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