This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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