Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
