My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
