You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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