**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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