Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Someone shattered a urinal.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
