I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
