seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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