Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
