Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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