i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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