never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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