in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
