my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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