is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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