Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
