I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
