i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
