Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
