I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
