I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
