I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
