remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I need to sanitize my soul.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
