Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize