i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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