I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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