I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
