I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
