onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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