How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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