My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
