Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Umm I'm too high to move.
i barfeds in our rink
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
cat food counts as protein by the way
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
