Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
PANTIES FOUND
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