She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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