i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
