So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize