My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
