Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
