I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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